Easily the least freaky of the Chilling Adventures In Sorcery, The Measure Of The Monster merits attention based solely on my love of giant bug movies and a strange resemblance to the travails of a particular superhero.

Again, while regular Archie comics are loaded with surprisingly kinky behaviour, there are certain ideas that are almost never explored. Last week was suicide and insanity, this week it’s domestic abuse.

Having created an anatomically-incorrect ant the size of a building, Professor Wingate has no choice but to use the same formula on himself in order to defeat the beast, transforming into a kind of ‘giant man’.

As I hope I’ve demonstrated over the past few months, Archie comics are loaded with unexpectedly disturbing shenanigans. One of the most bizarre Archie comics is the short-lived Chilling Adventures In Sorcery, Archie’s attempt at an EC-style anthology.

Narrated by an inappropriately chipper Sabrina, The Ultimate Cure gets off to a running start, with a sailor stumbling into Dr. Kingston’s office. When they’re unable to prevent the sailor’s transformation from man to beast, the sailor takes a concrete nosedive to end his suffering, but not before biting the good doctor and passing the curse along.

The Ultimate Cure would get rejected from any other horror anthology for being too tame, but the combination of visuals that are just a touch removed from typical Archie fare with a story dealing in madness and death creates a perverse atmosphere that is greater than the sum of its parts.

Worst of all is that final panel, with the doctor’s fiance convalescing in the Riverdale insane asylum. It’s like the Archie Comics version of Blue Velvet, peeling back the homey exterior to reveal the pallid underbelly underneath.

Kids, please be kind to your teachers. They’re the only people who want to be back in school even less than you do.

One of my more pleasant experiences during this year’s Fan Expo was talking comics in Artists’ Alley. At one point the topic of Archie’s New Look came up, and I was informed that Mike Wieringo had tried his hand at updating Archie, Jughead, Betty and Veronica. As a bonus, while I was searching for those I stumbled across these interpretations by Stuart Immonen.

“I can understand Archie wanting to have a wedding night after nearly seven decades of cold, poorly drawn showers” – Stephen Colbert

We return to Archie Thursdays with a continuation of Archie’s rich matrimonial history in honour of his marriage proposal to Veronica in this week’s Archie #600. The story starts off, as these things usually do, with Jughead jonesing for one of Pop Tate’s burgers. He pleads with Archie for a loan, but is rebuffed when Archie reveals that he’s spent all of his allowance taking both Betty and Veronica out on the town.

To help straighten his pal out, and mooch some hamburger money, Jughead lays out Archie’s future with Betty if he continues down this road, one that the people protesting Archie’s marriage to Veronica probably never imagined.

Next, Jughead gives us a sneak preview of the current Proposal storyline, which is a slightly different perspective on Veronica’s take for the same event.

And that’s what you get when your best friend is Comics’ Greatest Misogynist.

It’s about time.

Word on the street is that Archie is getting hitched. This may seem like a good idea, but history has shown us that while Archie may be good for a few laughs and some heavy petting, he’s hardly ideal husband material.

It all starts in Dream Boy as drawn by Dan DeCarlo, with Veronica confiding her secret dream to Betty of giving up the one barrier that keeps her from being with Archie; the vast Lodge fortune. Veronica takes to domesticity surprisingly well, raising the twins on gruel and love while finally finding happiness in Archie’s arms.

Betty also has a dream of the future. Having given up her rivalry with Veronica for Archie’s affections, she’s discovered by Hollywood scouts and becomes a starlet. Unfortunately, upon her return to Riverdale she also turns homewrecker.

How soon we forget, Betty.